With hours of hard work, I will do my damnedest to craft some homemade DEW.S.A. Then, suddenly it hit me: if it’s so basic, why couldn’t I just make it myself? Surely the secret formula isn’t impossible to crack, right? In short order I began to gather the ingredients and as I write this you have my solemn promise that I WILL find a way to recreate this beverage and enjoy it for as long as my immune system can fight it… For the last few months I laid down and cried that a flavor mix that was so straight forward and basic couldn’t still be profitable in today’s market. I simply could not take this news laying down.
But as the summer of 2018 came and went, did Mountain Dew look to make my vision of a perfect future come to fruition? Indeed, this was to be a ritual of the warm months, a cool drink with visits to the beach and baseball games. After all, anything this splendid earned the right to be considered a seasonal rarity, and there was nothing wrong with making this my new summer time beverage. was a clear home run in my book, and I was convinced that they would be crazy to not bring it back the next year.
RED WHITE BLUE MOUNTAIN DEW FULL
Gallons of mauve DEW.S.A was all I drank for the entirety of the summer of 2017, knowing full well that it was a “limited time” offering. This was the perfect soda, one that was incredibly sweet, yet still easy to drink. served to some as a culmination and realization of the fucked-up voting antics of years past, yielding to a bright new horizon of soda buymanship. While not an “elected” flavor, (two of its components were selected in previous campaigns), DEW.S.A.
RED WHITE BLUE MOUNTAIN DEW CODE
In April of 2017, Mountain Dew presented its magnum opus to the waistline-bursting public: a heavenly mixture of Code Red, Voltage, and White Out flavors gloriously packaged to somehow illustrate America’s independence in an exploding gleam of fuchsia-hued syrup. Unfortunately, lack of preparation led to one of my greatest personal failings: Mountain Dew: DewS.A. Nothing is ever promised, and we should be stockpiling as much of these bizarre flavor combinations whenever they cross our paths. All these campaigns and roll-outs have demonstrated to me is that Mountain Dew can never be trusted to keep a product on the shelves. But even if it was true, Pitch Black is barely available at select locations as of summer 2018. Let us ASSUME, that somehow Mountain Dew Pitch Black actually beat out Baja Blast in the 2016 election, which is of course absolute bullshit….(and the only controversial election that took place that year so I don’t know why we aren’t investigating this more). We were apparently very close to drinking a refreshing “ Hitler Did Nothing Wrong” over ice one summer….which would have been only half as embarrassing as drinking something like “ Game Fuel.
The real issue with the DEWmocracy era is how easily the process is totally hijacked by assholes on the Internet ( Editor’s note: Just kidding! Everybody on the internet is already an asshole). Every couple of years we’ve been given new choices of flavors of Mountain Dew to vote for, and somehow, we trusted the good people at PepsiCo to keep the damn drink on the shelves permanently…AND THEY NEVER DO.Īctually no, that’s not the problem. When these polls are taken directly onto something as positive and uplifting as the internet, it never quite goes to plan, does it? For me, no such company (or campaign) resonates my distrust quite like the pathetically rigged Mountain Dew “DEWmocracy” roll-outs of the past decade. Or at least, that’s what they WANT you to think. My insane take on politics aside, the snack and drink companies are constantly trying to dial into consumer’s wildest desires whenever they claim to want the public’s opinion on a new product. Who’s the Vice President right now anyway? ….it’s Snickers Nuts Galore, right? …a man who clearly has a terminal case of Ligma. As a child I remember the election of the Blue M&M ‘s far more vividly than I have any political office held in the 1990’s, or anytime since. This fragment? The due process election of flavors and colors of the very junk foods that are scientifically engineered to keep us in a blubbery, docile, straight-ticket voting condition. In the waning days of capitalism, the working class laborers of the so called “free world” have been left with but a single vestige of democracy.
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